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11.03.2007

LATEST NEWS FROM THE U.K. HOT OFF THE PRINTING PRESS!!!
 
UNBELIEVABLE NEWS FROM CAMBRIDGE CREMATORIUM .
 
Christine and I went to the funeral of Cass Brown today. This man went out in style that only a SHIT HAPPENS member ever could.
 
All the mourners were in white or hunting jackets or hats, or silly shoes. Young Rita sported a pair of black and white checkered shoes, Kim was in white. BOTH WORE SHIT HAPPENS BADGES!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pancho was in a hunting jacket with short sleeve shirt. Moira was there BUT NOT with Pancho. A week before Christmas Pancho was at Cass's bedside when his mobile telephone rang, it was Moria. Oh yes, in true "Brown" family style, she announced to him that their marriage was over and she HAD LEFT HIM taking the girl with her!!!
 
No preacher at the funeral just a guy who read out Cass's life story. This guy also told everyone that this is what Cass wanted 'cos he could give a shit about the God thing!
He also warned everyone that the music at the end may, just may, offend the odd person.
The coffin came in with a white hat on top, one glass and a bottle of red wine on it.
The mid service music was from Queen and very good.
Now the end,
 
THE CHAPEL CAME ALIVE (IN SURROUND SOUND NO LESS!) TO THE SOUND OF:
 I WANT TO FUCK A DOG IN THE ARSE!!!
 
FULL VERSION NO CUTS
AND THE LAST WORDS HEARD AS EVERYONE WAS LEAVING WAS:
 THE END OF THE SONG! 
 
"FUCK YOU"
 
This was class, this was style and this was a true shit happens member. A piece of shit to the very end!
 
I pass a motion that we the SHIT HAPPENS CLUB instigate a new award for the biggest nastiest piece of shit of each year, whoever he/she may be in the world and send it to them. This award should be the CASS BROWN COULDN'T GIVE A FUCK AWARD!
 
If you know of anyone who could EVER beat this please let me know because I really do not think a funeral could be better. No hymns, no God things, no black (only black was me, Christine and Andy from the Auberge fame)
 
BLOODY GOOD STUFF
 
Regards to all
 
Colin  and Christine  andCass

JUST ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE

Der erste veröffentlichte SHIT HAPPENS EVENT

Der Kaminbrand / Burning down the house

Wir, Doris und Stefan, waren die Präsidenten für den Monat Februar 2001, denn uns wäre beinahe das Haus  abgebrannt. Wir sassen am Samstagabend friedlich vor dem Fernseher, als es plötzlich tierisch anfing zu stinken. Wir dachten noch, dass wir vielleicht schlechtes Holz im Kamin verbrannt hätten und fingen an zu lüften. Das nützte aber nichts und wir hörten auch merkwürdige Geräusche von dem uralten (ca 170 Jahre)Holzbalken, der über unserem Kamineinsatz in der Mauer eingelassen war. Nach einger Zeit konnte man durch ein winziges Loch im Balken sehen, dass der Balken von innen am glühen war. Wir öffneten das Gitter über dem Kamineinsatz und schütteten kaltes Wasser aus Flaschen in den Kamin, der glücklicherweise diese Behandlung ohnen Explosion überstand. Nun bekamen wir doch richtig Schiss und haben die Feuerwehr alarmiert, die nach einer halben Stunde anrückte und alles löschte. Bis dahin waren auch noch keine Flammen aus dem Balken geschlagen, denn dann wäre tatsächlich unser mit viel Liebe und Mühe restauriertes  Haus (ca 170 Jahre alt) bis auf die Grundmauern niedergebrannt. So hatten wir nur die Arbeit mit dem Saubermachen, denn ein fruchtloser Versuch, mit dem Pulverfeuerlöscher durch das kleine Loch den Balken zu löschen, führte lediglich dazu, dass unsere Möbel mit einer dicken Pulverschicht bedeckt war.
Es ist also noch mal Gut gegangen!     SO WHAT SHIT HAPPENS          

St. Jory, März 2001

OSTERN 2003/Easter 2003

Am Ostermontag 2003 war der SHC zum Essen in der “Meatfactory”, einem Landgasthof der absolut besonderen Art, verabredet. Gegen 11 Uhr vormittags kam ein Camper zu unserem Wohnhaus, klopfte an und meinte, dass wohl mit dem Sanitärblock irgend etwas nicht stimmen könnte, da das Wasser nicht mehr abliefe. Ich ging mit ihm zum Sanitärblock, um das bestätigt zu finden. So holte ich also einen langen Schlauch mit einer Spritzdüse vorne dran und versuchte von verschiedenen Stellen aus die Abwasserleitungen wieder frei zu bekommen. Keine Chance!
So rief ich in Panik unseren Klempnermeister an, der erst meinte, da könne er leider auch nichts machen,  aber dann doch kurz darauf auftauchte. Wir entschieden uns, die Abwasserleitung aufzubuddeln, um zu versuchen, auf diese Art die Verstopfung zu beseitigen. In der Zwischenzeit kamen auch Willem und Annelies, um den obligatorischen Aperitif mit uns zu nehmen und es tauchten die Schweizer auf, die auf unsere Einladung an dem Essen teilnehmen sollten. Da wir nun dabei waren zu buddeln, baten wir die anderen, schon mal vorzufahren und uns noch etwas vom Essen übrig zu lassen.
Wir buddelten also das erste Loch, keine Chance! Dann ein paar Meter weiter das zweite Loch, wobei wir dann herausfanden, dass sich die Verstopfung zwischen dem ersten und dem zweiten Loch befinden musste. Wir entschlossen uns, die Abwasserleitung im zweiten Loch aufzubohren. Dies geschah und uns sprudelte die Scheisse mit allem was da sonst noch mit rumschwamm entgegen. Um nun die Verstopfung zu beseitigen waren wir beide bis zu den Schultern in dieser ekelhaften Brühe, aber wir haben es letztendlich geschafft, die Verstopfung zu beseitigen. Die Löcher wurden erst mal provisorisch abgedeckt und wir hatten auch herausgefunden, warum man mit unserem Spezialschlauch keine Chance hatte: Der Maurer, der den Block gebaut hatte und natürlich auch die Abwasserleitung verlegt hatte, hatte an einer Stelle ein T gelegt, so dass der Schlauch natürlich nicht 90° um die Ecke gehen wollte, deshalb die Buddelei.
Nach einer gründlichen Dusche waren wir dann um ca. 15 Uhr beim Essen des SHC. Unsere Freunde waren so lieb und hatten uns von jeder Vorspeise etwas aufgehoben, so dass wir bis zum Hauptgang sogar noch zu unseren Vorspeisen kamen. Hauptgesprächsthema an diesem Nachmittag war natürlich dieser “classic” Shit-happens-event.

The Carport (in Arbeit)

Moving to the Dordogne in France (December 2003)

or

(How to become a member of the shit happens club!!)

Firstly you realise that this is a beautiful part of the world and that to live here is a dream – then the nightmare begins:-

Finding a house is not difficult and boy are they cheap compared to England. But this is only the start

You sell your house in England and pay the estate agent to do this but when you buy in France the BUYER has to pay!!!

So I bought my house and had 10% extra to pay to the Estate Agent ( the scum of the earth in there Porches!)

That being said having friends who are already members of this esteemed club does give you an advantage as they have had all the shit before you or so they thought.

I agreed my price and then I went to the NOTAIRE ( SATAN WITH A BANK ACCOUNT)

He does all the legal’s and then takes 10% deposit into his account and says wait it will be all right and I will contact you in a few weeks for the final payment and of course my fee ( low compared to UK).

This took three months but as I had plenty of time I wasn’t overly concerned as I also went on holiday for five weeks OK.

Arriving back in France in early December the house was mine so I started to get things organised with regard to a Telephone ( a pre-requisite for me and the new business) this was installed in 1 week things are looking good. Also I organised for all my furniture to be delivered on the 15^th December. Yes again this was OK and looking good.

The Phone was installed but didn’t work, the engineer said there was a problem at St Jory ( I Blame Colin). How long will it take to rectify I said in pigeon French ( God I wish they would speak ENGLISH)  The answer I got was 1,5 10 days or Phew and a shrug of the shoulders. Is this any way to treat an Englishman I thought but did not dare say probably as I couldn’t say it in French. That aside I had a mobile so lets look at the next stage my furniture.

Being without my own possessions since July, getting my furniture delivered was a very big deal to me.

All seems to be going according to plan the furniture will arrive on Thursday afternoon and they will ring me!Thursday afternoon they ring to say it will be Friday morning as they are in Paris. (What are they up to I think jealously) but then I didn’t mind half a days delay as my excitement was really building up.

.I’m sure you all appreciate that having ones personal thing around you is very important and invigorating to the morale.

Friday morning arrives and I am up with the Lark waiting expectantly for all my stuff. Having slept on bedchairs and campbeds for 5 months is no joke. 12:00 arrives and I receive a phone call to say they will be delayed and will arrive mid afternoon.  OK I say pacing around the room but what is a few hours delay, I’ve been waiting for 5 months so what!!!!.

Four o’clock arrives and I receive another Phone call  ( this doesn’t sound good) and so it transpired.

My furniture had been impounded by the French Traffic Police and the drivers taken into custody.This has to be a joke I think but from the tone of the drivers voice I knew something was really wrong.

My removal company had subcontracted this delivery and the driver had not only broken the speed limit by a vast amount( I dare not say how much but I don’t drive that fast in my CAR  - EVER- but also he had disabled his tachometer and lost 170 kilometres). What happens now I think after a rapid change of underwear, fortunately the police man spoke English ( Yes there are some educated people in France) and he said my furniture would be released subject to an immediate fine of 4,000 Euro.Quickly thinking on my feet I was paying 3,250 euro for the delivery in CASH so I had that money in my pocket.

I would give them that money and the Driver would find the rest – BINGO – we have a deal ( the French system can be worked) All is agreed and I drive to Limoge to sort things out.

FIVE hours later the drivers are released and also more importantly my furniture is released and we all leave Limoge together in convoy to CHALAIS.

As an addendum to this I wake up on Saturday morning very very early and panic thinking I have paid all that money and my furniture is still in a lorry parked up the road. Am I being conned and have they just driven off with all my possessions, OH SHIT – At six o’clock in the morning I set off to see if the Lorry was still there and fortunately it still was. So Finally I got all my stuff delivered on Saturday morning/afternoon.

Yes I really have got my telephone working now 14^Th Jan 2004. Only a month after it was installed.

IS THIS THE WAY OF THINGS TO COME – I LEAVE YOU ALL IN SUSPENSE FOR THE NEXT EPISODE IN MY SAGA TO ATTAIN FULL MEMBERSHIP OF THE ” SHIT HAPPENS CLUB”

Aux Revoir

John James

No doubt!  John will be made a member of the club at its next meeting!
Stefan

Shit wiederholt sich: Auch im Jahr 2005 hatten wir wieder den “real  oder authentic SHIT HAPPENS EVENT” . Diesmal waren aber Freuinde da, die mir geholfen haben.