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11.03.2007

LATEST NEWS FROM THE U.K. HOT OFF THE PRINTING PRESS!!!
 
UNBELIEVABLE NEWS FROM CAMBRIDGE CREMATORIUM .
 
Christine and I went to the funeral of Cass Brown today. This man went out in style that only a SHIT HAPPENS member ever could.
 
All the mourners were in white or hunting jackets or hats, or silly shoes. Young Rita sported a pair of black and white checkered shoes, Kim was in white. BOTH WORE SHIT HAPPENS BADGES!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pancho was in a hunting jacket with short sleeve shirt. Moira was there BUT NOT with Pancho. A week before Christmas Pancho was at Cass's bedside when his mobile telephone rang, it was Moria. Oh yes, in true "Brown" family style, she announced to him that their marriage was over and she HAD LEFT HIM taking the girl with her!!!
 
No preacher at the funeral just a guy who read out Cass's life story. This guy also told everyone that this is what Cass wanted 'cos he could give a shit about the God thing!
He also warned everyone that the music at the end may, just may, offend the odd person.
The coffin came in with a white hat on top, one glass and a bottle of red wine on it.
The mid service music was from Queen and very good.
Now the end,
 
THE CHAPEL CAME ALIVE (IN SURROUND SOUND NO LESS!) TO THE SOUND OF:
 I WANT TO FUCK A DOG IN THE ARSE!!!
 
FULL VERSION NO CUTS
AND THE LAST WORDS HEARD AS EVERYONE WAS LEAVING WAS:
 THE END OF THE SONG! 
 
"FUCK YOU"
 
This was class, this was style and this was a true shit happens member. A piece of shit to the very end!
 
I pass a motion that we the SHIT HAPPENS CLUB instigate a new award for the biggest nastiest piece of shit of each year, whoever he/she may be in the world and send it to them. This award should be the CASS BROWN COULDN'T GIVE A FUCK AWARD!
 
If you know of anyone who could EVER beat this please let me know because I really do not think a funeral could be better. No hymns, no God things, no black (only black was me, Christine and Andy from the Auberge fame)
 
BLOODY GOOD STUFF
 
Regards to all
 
Colin  and Christine  andCass
 

Moving to the Dordogne in France (December 2003)

or

(How to become a member of the shit happens club!!)

Firstly you realise that this is a beautiful part of the world and that to live here is a dream – then the nightmare begins:-

Finding a house is not difficult and boy are they cheap compared to England. But this is only the start

You sell your house in England and pay the estate agent to do this but when you buy in France the BUYER has to pay!!!

So I bought my house and had 10% extra to pay to the Estate Agent ( the scum of the earth in there Porches!)

That being said having friends who are already members of this esteemed club does give you an advantage as they have had all the shit before you or so they thought.

I agreed my price and then I went to the NOTAIRE ( SATAN WITH A BANK ACCOUNT)

He does all the legal’s and then takes 10% deposit into his account and says wait it will be all right and I will contact you in a few weeks for the final payment and of course my fee ( low compared to UK).

This took three months but as I had plenty of time I wasn’t overly concerned as I also went on holiday for five weeks OK.

Arriving back in France in early December the house was mine so I started to get things organised with regard to a Telephone ( a pre-requisite for me and the new business) this was installed in 1 week things are looking good. Also I organised for all my furniture to be delivered on the 15^th December. Yes again this was OK and looking good.

The Phone was installed but didn’t work, the engineer said there was a problem at St Jory ( I Blame Colin). How long will it take to rectify I said in pigeon French ( God I wish they would speak ENGLISH)  The answer I got was 1,5 10 days or Phew and a shrug of the shoulders. Is this any way to treat an Englishman I thought but did not dare say probably as I couldn’t say it in French. That aside I had a mobile so lets look at the next stage my furniture.

Being without my own possessions since July, getting my furniture delivered was a very big deal to me.

All seems to be going according to plan the furniture will arrive on Thursday afternoon and they will ring me!Thursday afternoon they ring to say it will be Friday morning as they are in Paris. (What are they up to I think jealously) but then I didn’t mind half a days delay as my excitement was really building up.

.I’m sure you all appreciate that having ones personal thing around you is very important and invigorating to the morale.

Friday morning arrives and I am up with the Lark waiting expectantly for all my stuff. Having slept on bedchairs and campbeds for 5 months is no joke. 12:00 arrives and I receive a phone call to say they will be delayed and will arrive mid afternoon. OK I say pacing around the room but what is a few hours delay, I’ve been waiting for 5 months so what!!!!.

Four o’clock arrives and I receive another Phone call  ( this doesn’t sound good) and so it transpired.

My furniture had been impounded by the French Traffic Police and the drivers taken into custody.This has to be a joke I think but from the tone of the drivers voice I knew something was really wrong.

My removal company had subcontracted this delivery and the driver had not only broken the speed limit by a vast amount( I dare not say how much but I don’t drive that fast in my CAR - EVER- but also he had disabled his tachometer and lost 170 kilometres). What happens now I think after a rapid change of underwear, fortunately the police man spoke English ( Yes there are some educated people in France) and he said my furniture would be released subject to an immediate fine of 4,000 Euro.Quickly thinking on my feet I was paying 3,250 euro for the delivery in CASH so I had that money in my pocket.

I would give them that money and the Driver would find the rest – BINGO – we have a deal ( the French system can be worked) All is agreed and I drive to Limoge to sort things out.

FIVE hours later the drivers are released and also more importantly my furniture is released and we all leave Limoge together in convoy to CHALAIS.

As an addendum to this I wake up on Saturday morning very very early and panic thinking I have paid all that money and my furniture is still in a lorry parked up the road. Am I being conned and have they just driven off with all my possessions, OH SHIT – At six o’clock in the morning I set off to see if the Lorry was still there and fortunately it still was. So Finally I got all my stuff delivered on Saturday morning/afternoon.

Yes I really have got my telephone working now 14^Th Jan 2004. Only a month after it was installed.

IS THIS THE WAY OF THINGS TO COME – I LEAVE YOU ALL IN SUSPENSE FOR THE NEXT EPISODE IN MY SAGA TO ATTAIN FULL MEMBERSHIP OF THE ” SHIT HAPPENS CLUB”

Aux Revoir

John James

No doubt!  John will be made a member of the club at its next meeting!
Stefan

Colin’s and Christine’s Holidays               jan 2004

Hi Mate,

Just back from sunny Mexico where it sea is blue the sky is clear and the yanks are all fat bastards (and thick).

Classics I saw out there and made me think how you would have loved it:

Met a 25+ stone Canadian woman out there who complained about the metal pins she had to have fitted to her knees. The fat actually rolled over the knees for God sake; it never occurred to her that a diet may relive ant bloody pain. Guess what? Serious her name was ROLY!!!

Our hotel was one of two in a chain. We had an old yank school bus go between the two. This bus was bright yellow, red and blue with the two hotels names on the side saying free travel between them. To make it easier the back had been cut off so you couldn’t miss it and it was the only ex school bus in Mexico. An American in front of me then refused to get on until the driver confirmed it was going to the other hotel!!!!

Same women, now on the bus, gets up in the middle of the journey to ask the driver, which town is this. Cancun you silly bitch other than that it’s Yucatan scrubland and that is after all, where you are staying!

Had a good time and as usual things did not go to plan. Shit Happens eh! But then again I would not have expected less.

No 1 Snorkelling out at sea over a coral reef and I had to be rescued by the Mexican in charge of the dive. Had a dose of the old Cramp in the foot then followed it up but a dose in the calf. I was in bloody agony (should have taken my pills all to do with the old arthritis) Net result hauled back without dignity to the speed boat we got over there in!!!

No 2 Chris and I went swimming with the dolphins. We are feeding them when a Yank near us screamed out that a Dolphin had attached him. Bloody good jape this one. It appears he was treading water when we were all told not to. A dolphin swam under him and he kicked it a couple of times in the head. This pissed the Dolphin off very much so it came up and gave the yank a bloody good slap on his thigh a couple of times with its tail. He screamed and they hauled him out of the water. Chris and I at first thought that we would be appearing on “When Dolphins attack 4” and it could only be our luck to be with the most placid creatures in the sea and one goes ape shit! Net result, Yank walks up the duck boarding limping with wife following and a bloody great big red mark on his leg. He was seriously pissed off. In true Yank fashion it was only his pride and the embarrassment of his screaming that hurt but we are prepared to bet that he goes home a sues the Dolphin park.

No 3 staying with our fishy water mammals, we were all in the water with bloody great waves doing all sorts of tricks with the leathery leviathans, great, the last trick was laying in the water with your feet out on the surface. Two Dolphins then came up from behind and pushed you right out of the water until you were standing up on the surface. Strong buggers because they even got old Cols arse out and that took some bloody doing. Chris’s turn came. Chris weighing slightly less than my bulk was shit hot, she flew out of the water and was standing up doing a good 20 mph. Look like a female Jesus parting the frigging waves. The dolphins then stopped pushing and she disappeared back into the water only to come up with a severe dose of the old Asthma. Result here was she had to be hauled from the water by the top of her wet suit. Only difference between her and me was I was hauled out by the arse!

Managed to find a kindred sprit there as well, loved a piss take, loved a drink and was hypa -- active as well so he didn’t sit still for five minutes. Managed to have a real session one night, as it was all inclusive I purchased drinks for everyone all night. Conservatively I reckon I had at least 20 rum and cokes + beers etc. This guy did the same. I left him at 2.30am well pissed, I cannot remember all the details (as you know the head goes a bit) his wife told us that that night he spent on the floor of his room refusing to let her turn the light out because he was spinning!!!! Oh yes, one nil to me!!!

All in all, a sound time.

Anyway here is some news for the Shit Happens website which I am sure that when you read it, you will piss yourself!!!

I went to the dentist the other day with a tooth hurting like hell. The dentist couldn’t find anything wrong and the x-rays showed nothing. He asked if it was sensitive to hot or cold. I said cold. He then blew cold air around each tooth to see which one it was. Do this hurt? No. Does this one hurt? No. Does this one hurt? EHHHHHH! Yes you bastard!!!!!!! Okay he said. I think the only thing to do is take the nerve out of the tooth. Okay I said but don’t hurt me because I don’t “do” pain! Right, it will take three visits and the cost will maybe be about £120.00 because I have to give you root canal treatment which involves a first drilling to remove part of the nerve and root then fill it. The second time we drill out the filling again and drill further into the root. The third time we do it again and give you a proper filling. Go ahead I ordered as this tooth had given me pain for months. My dentist then proceeded to drill. As he was drilling he kept saying what a shame this tooth seems to be in first class condition. 1 hour and fifteen minutes later I left his surgery with the usual sore mouth and frozen solid so I could hardly talk. Pain! Tea sure but in my mind this was going to be worth every penny because it would cure six months worth of hurt every time I eat anything. The next day came and of course the injection had worn off I am just left with bruising. Still daren’t eat on that side of the mouth though. The second day came and it felt a lot better so I decided to give it a try. EH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It still hurt just like before! I tried cold air and the same thing happened, it bloody hurt. How can this be? I have had the nerve taken out and it still hurts. Impossible!! Oh no it ain’t. I have just had the wrong tooth operated on. It wasn’t the one he did, it was the one next to it. I now have to visit the dentist a further twice to put the good tooth right again, then give him a cheque for £120.00 then start all over again on the other tooth for another £120.00 and a shit load of pain.

In the dentists defence, when he shot my mouth with cold air I must have shouted because it hurt so much when he tapped the good tooth because the air must have also hit the bad tooth.

SHIT HAPPENS.

Colin, january 2004

Hi Stefan,

This was sent to me by a customer!!!!!!! Excellent for the Shit Happens website!!

in the shit again

Some shit in shoes so people say help you grow from day to day but our friend Colin it must be said grew in places that would turn your head with brush in hand and plunger near he's set up with all the gear with all the help he gives the rest for friends and family he does his best even with this strange physique he really is a man to meet so not surprising as soon you'll see all the fishing is top quality so don't be put off by what you see cause the president of the shit happens club is really the best company
stephen cooper

This is what we call a real or an authentic SHIT HAPPENS EVENT. Last summer in the middle of the season the used water pipe, that leads to the septic tank on the campsite, was blocked. I was happy to have some good friends on the campsite that helped me sorting it out.